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i said sprite not sprite and ice   
07:43pm 10/10/2004
 
mood: indescribable
woo...i decided id write in my journal again just for the hell of it...i was just on the computer for a change so i thought id be fun to write...then i remembered i have nothing to write about...well...besides..im trying to go out with a senior..hopefully it will go good....on a better note...i no emotions for mariana...thank the heavens...was about time....just for a week i just.. kept telling my self she doesnt want you...it worked...ummmm..........i got to see breast at the malll...they where drive by boobies...woooo...and i tried on girl pants...i couldnt act myself with bre...because there was all those people i didnt enjoy their.....i slept in the same bed as daniel....err...what else...i made out with a 17 year old...o fun fun....but other then that...not much else.....ummm....ill leave on this note...i like mankind...i just dont like people...

with the hope that i dont go into a manic depression

matt
 
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Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Mothar Mothar Fuck Mothar Mothar Fuck Fuck   
11:00am 18/09/2004
  well...everyone...people actually read the piece of shit they call a journal....and im misunderstood...therefore....i shall be like most normal people and keep a journal that no one reads...soo...in other words this will be my last journal entry thingy mcbober....so...leaving on this note...i will describe what eveyone now knows about...ok...love...to me it a feeling...to many others its just a word...or way of liking someone....for me...it fucks up every thing...shouldnt be a red flag...that i still care deeply for this person even after all this fucking time...apparently not...just another thing they know...so why the fuck am i spending so much effort on someone who just fucking takes it for granit...who the fuck knows...ok ....i want so bad to just completly erase this emotion i have for this person....to only think of them as a fucking person.. and on that....i end my journal...sorry im not perfect...sorry for holding on to the past....and most sorry for being me


with love, passion, and meat in a can

matt
 
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(insert funny saying here)   
07:32pm 07/09/2004
  Todays topic is....how can i put this....well im not sure what it is...my head is kinda in a swirl...not a bad swirl...but a swirl non-the less....on a differnt note...a new feeling has become in me...well not so much new...just somthing i havent felt in sometime...its not bad but not great...its that whole feeling out of place kinda thing...not matter who im around i still get it.....i dont know why...wether at home or where i am...i feel so...alone... ive been able to get rid of that feeling...but its resurfaced...why...who the hell knows...the almighty does...but aparently he doesnt like to give answers... but you know...im ok with the whole alone part...because dammit people care for me.... and i am just a tiny little speck in this humungous universe....but you know... i wish people really understood what i mean to put on these things...alot of times i think there just reading it...the very few who find what little time and read this shit...and yet i still put my thoughts on this website...very bad habit..i should keep a real damn journal then this


o ya...to all you people people out there my email sucks and i cant write so untill i get that squared away i wont be able to email thy people that means you kacy...sorry

matt
monkey lover
 
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i swear she was dead before i had sex with her   
08:32pm 06/09/2004
  ok...so i slowly woke up this morining and the most interesting question that ive asked myself many times before came into my head....Why? Why get it up? Why move on with my life? Why dont i just lay asleep eternally? Then a question ive never asked came into my head. Why not? Why not get up? Why not move on? in all honesty... i couldnt come up with an answer...and as the day progressed i began to realize why i keep a positive attitude now...to see my little bro laugh..or see the sun shine through the dark clouds...to know that what is given to me is the greatest....then...when it rained...it became clear to me...everything...in this vast universe comes to an end... the rain..it was in motion..untill it hit the ground...in mass numbers it fell...each one hitting at a differnt time...just like peoples lives...they move so fast until its too late and they hit the ground..Boom...why this occured to me...i have no idea..i mean...kinda wierd to be philisophical (sp) when your watching Fairly Odd Parents...but you know what....i really think i dont care...what life puts in front of me...ill take it on...when things go bad...ill raise my head up high and say dammit i need to try harder...but no matter waht ill never go back to self loathing...from now on...i put the past behind...and move on forward...just like a raindrop...its hit the ground...

matt
that guy who bit your grandparents (or small child)
 
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Vagina Jokes   
07:59pm 31/08/2004
  la la la...me me me...daniel can leagaly suck my cock...aroach...anywho...here i am...close to eieght o clock and im here to think...a bloody bad thing for me to do...always makes me emotional..ewww...all...humany...well...anywho...ive decided that your heart can feel one way and sub-concience can feel another... it sucks ass being in love with your best friend..subsiding every urge to tell her how my you fuckin love her...god it sucks... i have a h]girlfriend and im very happy with her...but goddamn...i fucking wish i wasnt such a child back then...theres so much i could have done to prevent everything... even now i still think i could have made better choices... but...im pretty fucking sure shes over me...im like 99% sure that what we had wont resurface...i mean come fucking on...look at me...any guy besides me is good..but you know just fuck it... ill just rip my heart out set in a glass of water and go on with my life..there no point on holding on to the past...everythin ends anyways....

ttam_matt
tigger lover
 
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smells like bananas in here   
06:34pm 10/08/2004
  well..another day...another time to think about stuff..apparently people are reading my journal...wierd..i really didnt think people really do care about this...no matter...ever look back at a conversation you had with someone..i do...jeez i look back on alot of stuff and well...i wish i could have said somting differnt...acted differnt...but o well..it happened again today...man i wish i would have said what i should have...but still there that sense of insecurtity...my my look at the time 6:37...veddy veddy interesting..o well...Lucifer...when i hear that name i think the Devil..but to my recent knoledge...thats a pretty fucking awsome name to mean somthing like it does...Bringer of Light...thats Lucifer...wow...amazing...never would have dreamed the devils name could have be a light bringer...then i realized...how much of a dork i am to now know the name of him...i try to be...how do yous say dis..COOOL...pfftt...its not for me i now realize...its for other people...i just like being me...i hope like people can accecpt that...i dunno... i dont really care what people think of me..just the people i care about... like my friends...or my girlfriend...always wanting to impress...well i gotta fly...not really...my wings havent grow in yet...well illl speak with all you later


peace and small tidyings (he he he he mariana ;) )
matt
 
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The only differnce between me and you...is im not on fire   
09:20pm 07/08/2004
  well...i gots me a girl friend now...id tell everyone...but thats somthing ill leave up for people to wonder about...anyways...school is starting up soon...and id say id will be a smashing year...got danny in one of my classes...got long hair....hot girlfriend...yep good year...man... iuse to think about alot of crap...now my mind is on religion...imagine that...not as being all spirtal...im just wounder how all this stuff makes sense...half of what is said is hard to swallow..not that kind you perverts..anywho im gonna go..fucking typing is pissing me off...getting boring for me  
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F.U.C.K   
04:47pm 05/08/2004
  god...nothing to fucking do...stuck at home...not able to jack...woooooaaaahhhhh.......o welll...ummm...you learn alot things at sleepovers...still awsome though...man...THATS AMAZING...no matter...we all float on...great great song...i was looking back on someof the things i wrote...man was i a pussy always complaing... it sucks ass...good thing im all non-depressive cause i sucked then...hopefully ill get better

peace and love
matty
 
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long time   
07:51pm 03/08/2004
  its been forever since ive writtin in this thing...great...to spill my deepest secrets to people...sigh...i dunno...slowly but surly im getting back to being my old self...its amazing to me that i can think pretty quick on my feet now...use to be crap...but o well...cant really choose everything that happens in your life..well to talk about whats on my mind...well...im still in love with mariana...even after all this time...i try to deny it but its tru...o well...i dont really care if shes with other people...just to let here know im here...i dont even know id go back to her if i had the chance...to my risks probably...sad really...use to be id take her back no matter what...but times change i grow the hell up...lets see...i miss bre...and i miss lori...god i wish i had a chance to be with her...but o well...she likes other guys...i mean look at me...i have nothing to offer her like other guys....i dont have much to offer to any girls...mayb thats y im still single...sucks sometimes not a haveing a great talent....man if only...if i could do somthing awsome...to get girls...id be good...the only talent i think that i have...is humor...even that its not much...but o well...anyways im gonna head out...peace and love to all who read this  
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YuCK   
08:19pm 27/06/2004
  o so short the lives we live...really it is...well i decided to write in this because im bored as anything....but o well...im trying to figure out the whole dating scene....im not very good at it....its hard as hell to do...meet someone get to know them....then hope not to be rejected...o that feeling is all to absent to me...i dunno...i dont think a good person to date... just...why would someone like someone like me...im wierd...loud...boring..stupid...its sucks so bad somtimes being alone...but im getting better with dealing with it...slowly...but better...ill find someone in the future hopefully...but if not...being single isnt so bad....

MatT
 
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if you were dead...id laugh   
08:10pm 23/05/2004
  sigh..so bored...ever so bored...i say daniel in tights friday...it was awsome...also i learned if you piss me dad off enough it looks kinda like an asian man...its funny..but enough about that..ive been told you cant tell how im feeling..and when i thought about it...im not really sure i how i fell either...it sucks...i take everything to easily... dont spase out on like anything...i take everything cooly...i dont know if that s a good or bad thing...only time will tell...well i honestly dont feel like typeing but i need to keep this journal up...so ill speak with you peeps later

love
matt
a.k.a
B.O.D
BetterOffDead
 
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im not sure   
07:26pm 20/05/2004
  im not sure my emotions are right...i feel like im doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons...it isnt fair...i just want to go back to when i was simple...hey i like you...i like you too...lets date...now im constantly checking myself...i feel so upset...i feel stressed....i can feel the same way someone else feels about me...it isnt fair...wtf...answere me all mighty smiter...if not then just just...give a sign...my best friend is falling for me...im still fallin for my other best friend...i thought i didnt care...and to a point i dont...but someonthing in my head wont get the fuck out...JUST SHUT UP...PLZ JUST SHUT UP....my head is rambling...the past is spinning through my head...arg..im really sorry....i want to be good..contribute...make my life good...but no...something is always wrong...i want to be remember...i would die uneasy if just in 6th months after my death i would just be a memory...i want something that im proud of to live on...my life has gone downhill..and just when it seems that its going back up...my emotions come into play...and i just want someone to shoot me...ARRRGGG...sigh...i quess ill never get what i want...sigh..sigh...

love

matt
 
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DeAtH tO hUmAnS   
08:47pm 19/05/2004
  YAAA.....this is gonna be so much fun...weeeee...ill grab the matches and gasoline..weee....can you tell....im in fucked up mood...i thought by having a girlfriend that truly cares about me would make me so happy...it does...but there is still somthing really missing...im not sure how to explain it...but there really is...ive tried to find out what it is...but its just this feeling...i use to be able to numb it cause its been there about my entire life...but lately i cant seem to get it to go away...im not sure what its telling me...wish i knew...god life fucking sucks man...its not bad...just the way i feel...sure things are worse for others...but im not someone else...im me...i wish some one would just chuck a pine cone at me and wake me the fuck up...sadly i dont think there are pine cones big enough to do the job...sigh...do do do...where did i go...did i just die without someone telling me and i just havent realized it...i feel so cold sometimes...once in awhile i believe my heart doesnt beat...is there a purpose this is all serving..or is that im just not right me anymore...has my past really affected the way i am...or did i do it...life needs a manual..that way you can fix anything..youd have the worst probablem..look it up in the manual and bam..solved..mayb adlibiing your life is fun...feeling like shit for who knows how long is life...wow..its just great..yawn..well grey matter is the shit now too...these bands are awsome...MM is still awsome

with love (then slit your throat)
 
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My inner most thoughts   
06:35pm 18/05/2004
 
mood: lonely
well everyone is doing it...and yes i probably would jump off a bridge if everyone else did...i think its kinda gay to write how you feel on the internet...even though i spend half my wasted youth on this infernal contraption...sigh...just goes to show how much i detest society (sp)...that i go along with it...sigh...no matter...im listeing to modest mouse..im in my semi happy place...and really reviewing my fucking life...all the choices ive made...sigh...im not very happy with alot of them...but thats the way the cookie crumbles...wat the hell is up with that saying...cookie...what a waste of a cookie..grunt..i wounder why i go on day by day...why i just dont give up...do i really believe in things...do i actually care about people...or is it all a false hope disguised as temporary happiness...its hard to tell after all this time...god...i love this song...Alkaline Trio is the fuckin shit...so is modest mouse...THANK YOU JUSTIN!!!!!...sigh...im gonna go...but none the less ill probably be on in another 2 hours...being angry at somthing

love

matt
 
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